Building A Pandemic Proof Marriage or Relationship is an exclusive book compiled from six season speakers whom are professional counselors. On this article you will discover solutions to all of your Marital and Relationship challenges through the following topics taken by each of the Authors/Speaker.
Family planning and Child Spacing
Resolving Conflicts in Marriage
Resolving Relationship Conflicts
Sex in Marriage
Managing finance in Marriage.
FAMILY PLANNING AND CHILD SPACING
INTRODUCTION AND CONCEPT
Raising a child requires Resources such as Time,social,finance, and environment
When these resources are available couple(male and female) can raise a child through any of this options
No matter the option chosen,couple are to formulate _*_A Reproductive life plan*_ inorder to avoid unintended pregnancies,improve the health of the mother and reduce adverse pregnancy outcome (As recommended by CDC 2006 in USA).
Family planning may be defined as a tool which involves the use of _contraceptives and other techniques to control the time of reproduction_
1 To improve maternal health(health of a woman during pregnancy,childbirth and post partum period)
2 Considers the number of children a woman wishes to have including the choice to have no chlid as well as the Age at which she wishes to have them and they are influenced by these factors
i Marital Situation
ii Career consideration
iii Financial position
iv Any disability
3, Family planning creates access to the use of contraceptives involving some methods and practices. For instance, there are people who might wish to use contraceptives but are not necessarily planning a family (e.g unmarried adolescent,young married couples,delaying childbirth while building a carrier, (In Basic Nursing School, Pregnancy is not allowed during training time even if you are married)
4, Family planning encompasses services leading up to conception ( _This is as defined by USA_ )
It enables spouses give themselves to each other unconditional love which is fertile and ordered toward Parenthood But responsible Parenthood can either welcome more children or hold off on having others for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts which means recognizing their own duties toward God, themselves,their families and human society.
It reminds us that sex is not just about pleasure and interpersonal fulfillment but also about concrete relations of blood,family and kinship wherther in or outside of the Christian community (Pope John Paul 11)
TYPES /FORMS OF FAMILY PLANNING
-IUCD AND IMPLANTS
-Tubal Ligation (Female)
The Family Planning Association (FPA)in the UK claim that up to 90% of sexually active women will become pregnant in 12months if there do not use contraception.
This prevents sperm from reaching the egg, They Include
1) Male and Female Condoms; which can protect against STIs as well as Pregnancy. Male and female condoms are the only types of contraception that protect against sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) when used correctly,male condoms are more than 80% effective against pregnancy according to Center for Disease Control and Prevention..(CDC).
To use a male Condom correctly choose the correct size. Place the condom on the head of the erected penis, if uncircumcised, pull the foreskin back first. Pinch the tip of the condom to remove any air, unroll the condom down the penis being careful not to tear it.
After intercourse hold the base of the condom in place before pulling out of the vagina remove the condom and dispose,never reuse a condom
Most male condoms are made of latex,but other types are available for those allergic to latex,if using a lubricant,check that it is compatible with the kind of condom being used e,g latex condoms can only be used with water based lubricant,condoms are available over the counter(OTC) without prescription,drugstores,etc
This is used by females and has 79 % effective for conception
This is a barrier method placed inside the vagina after a spermicide must have been applied to it few hours before intercourse and left for 6 hrs after intercourse
Other forms of barrier methods includes cervical cap, and sponge(foam containing spermicide)
SPERMICIDAL GEL : This is just a chemical that inactivates the sperm
Mechanism of action
i stops ovulation
ii thickens cervical mucus and blocks the entrance of sperm
Hormonal drugs are prescribed by doctors.it includes
(1) Oral pills : can be combined pill(oestrogen+progestron) is taken daily as prescribed and monthly period is present.
Mini pill(progestron) taken daily at same time without break and monthly period may not be present
(2) INJECTIBLES e.g depo-provera
Administered by a doctor every 12wks
(3) INSERTIBLES : these are inserted into the uterus e.g lippes loop and Copper T (a metal that destroys the sperm )lasts for 10yrs but has spotting and irregular menses as adverse effects.
(4)PATCHES patches :releases hormone preventing pregnancy it is placed in the back,buttocks,stomach and upper arm For 3 wks removed for 1 wk to allow menses
(5) Vaginal Ring(Nuvaring) placed in the vagina for 3 wks removed for 1wk for menses
Releases progestron which prevents ovulation lasts for 3yrs
PERMANENT (requires minor surgery day case)
(1) Vasectomy for males can be reversible but fertility after the revision is not guaranteed.it is achieved by snipping the tube that carry sperm
(2)Tubal ligation : females clamping or sealing the fallopian tubes
EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTIVE METHOD(e.g Rape,unprotected sex)
(1) oral pill taken as soon as possible after sex within 3days e.g levonorgestrel
(2)Copper iucd inserted within 5 days after sex it is 99.9% effective according to CDC.e.g paraguad iucd.
NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING
(1) fertility awareness : relies on tracking the menstrual cycle and avoiding sex in fertile phase of the cycle,an individual _*fertile window*_ lasts for 6 to 9 days per month and coincides with ovulation which may occur 2wks before the next menses,each person’s fertile window is different so particular attention should be paid to detect it. (i)Billings Ovulation method :taking note of the consistency, quantity and quality of the cervical mucus.
(ii)Charting of the start and end of menses over several months (iii)Measuring basal body temperature
The most reliable form of natural family with 99% success rate is total abstinance from sex
Other forms Nfp are
Coitus interruptus (withdrawal method) and calendar based methods
ASSISTED REPRODUCTIVE TECHNOLOGY
(2) SPERM DONATION
i) Traditional (ii)gestational
Traditional: The surrogate uses her egg,and carries the baby for the intended parents
Gestational: The egg of the intended mother or donated egg is fertilized outside the body then the embryo is carried by the surrogate (gestational Carrier)
(I) Artificial insemination(invitro fertilization):donated sperm fertilises an ova
(2) Natural insemination : A donor having sex with a woman to achieve pregnancy (An infertile husband pays another man to have sex with his wife )
A couple may decide to adopt a baby for life ( having fulfilled the necessary customary / legal obligation.
SIGNIFICANCE OF F.P
(1) ABORTION : Abortion is not a component of *F.P*
although f.p reduces the need for Abortion(removal of a fetus or embryo )
Miscarriage/spontenous abortion (occurs on its own)
Induced abortion (deliberate step taken )
(2)Family planning deals with these aspects
(1) sex education
(2)prevention and management of STIs
(3) pre-conception counseling and management (marriage course)
(4) infertility management
It is healthy for the mother and child to wait for 2yrs before another pregnancy but not more than 5yrs.
After Abortion the mother should wait for 6 months before conception.
Family planning should be used as a tool for conception and also for contraception when absolutely necessary
The Natural family planning is strongly recommended by me because I have used it and it worked for me.it promotes intimacy,there is direct body to body contact,reduces the fear of infidelity in marriage, aids in child’s sex pre- selection, easy detection of fertile window and above all it is natural though requires discipline,patience,commitment,tolerance and unconditional love for each other.
Books recommended includes (1)Love& life(Billings ovulation method by Rev sr Macsweeny)
(2) Catechism of Christian doctrine
(3) Good News Bible Ephesian chapter 5 verse 21-33
(4) Prayer :let us pray with absolute trust in God to end this pandermic,to heal those already infected,console those family who lost their loved ones,and reward all health workers for their bravity
(1)Avoid pre-marital sex it’s a sin against the 6 the commandment of God
(2) Maintain your virginity (male and female)
(3) husband and wife should be faithful and committed to each other (do not commit adultery)
(4) one man,one wife as God made them
(5)Have the No of children you can afford to train meaningfully
Building a pandermic proof home involves
1 Striving to adopt a pure and chaste live as people created by God,we must avoid these vices lust, pornography, fornication,incest,
Masturbation,Rape, prostitution,homosexuality and Abortion
“Purity is the glory of the human body before God ,it is God’s glory in the human body through which masculinity and femininecity are manifested”(family and human life unit FHLU CATHOLIC ARCHDIOCESE OF LAGOS)
(2) Married couple should embrace Natural family planning as The Moral Alternative
NFP promotes self discipline and chastity,whereas artificial contraception ” could open wide the way for Marital infidelity and a general lowering of moral standard”
MEET THE AUTHOR.
Mrs Patricia chinyere Ike-onyekachukwu (Nee Okono) is the Assistant Director of Nursing services in charge of intensive /critical care unit of National orthopedic hospital Igbobi yaba Lagos,
An old girl of Q.R.C. Onitsha 1983 set.Graduated as a Registered midwife from S.O.M holy Rosary mat/hospital Waterside onitsha 1984-1987, Retained to teach Anatomy &physiology to pupil midwives in same school of training as clinical instructor,worked as resident midwife in charge of Catholic mission mat/hosp at Umueze Anam Anambra state 1988.
Graduated as a Registered Nurse from S.O.N Our Lady of Lourdes hospital Ihiala Anambra state ,joined National Orthopedic hosp,Igbobi yaba Lagos as Nursing officer 11 in 1993,
Graduated as a Registered A&E from P.B.S.O.N National ORTH.hosp.igbobi yaba Lagos 1996-1997, obtained Pgd in Hospital
Management from University of Lagos 2000, Graduated as a Registered intencive/critical care Nurse from Abuja teaching hosp, Gwagwalada FCT Abuja2004-2005, Obtained Bsc health Education From LASU 2011
Obtained BNSC from NOUN 2015,
obtained family planning instructor certificate from family and human life Dept of marriage counseling of St Augustine college of Education Akoka Lagos,
family planning instructor certificate may 2018.
Served as Chief examiner for A&E students writing Nursing council qualifying examination @University of Ilorin teaching hosp Ilorin kwara state, 2014, Chief Examiner Nursing council qualifying exams for Burns&plastic students of Orthopedic hosp Enugu ,Enugu state 2016,
I am blessed with a good husband and Five children.
* Forms of Intimacy
* Habits of Maintaining Intimacy
* How to generate Time for intimacy
No relationship/Marriage is perfect at all times, so it means it might be imperfect today and it becomes perfect the next day. But in a healthy relationship/Marriage, both people feel good about the relationship/Marriage most of the time. A great Marriage takes beyond; attraction, love or communication. It is solidify by responsibility, commitment, intimacy, prayer and intentionality which must be deliberately followed up by both partners.
The word intimacy could mean a lot of things to so many people, depending on what angle you look at intimacy from.
Intimacy can be said to be a close familiarity or friendship between two or more people. For instance; you hear people say, my intimate friend or the relationship between a couple, in other words, intimacy is the bond between a friend, couple, parents to children e.t.c.
It could also mean a: cosy and private or relaxed atmosphere. For instance; the bathroom had peaceful sense of intimacy… here, imagine a bathtub filled with water, roses, candles around and a bottle of wine 🙂 this could be use to sooth the body while having a spa 🥰🥰🥰😍.
Intimacy is displayed in a relationship when two people know and care for each other; these individuals are open, familiar, and vulnerable.
“It is not just about the act of sex, it is seeing and connecting with your partner.
FORMS OF INTIMACY
Before you can work on the intimacy in your marriage or relationship, you must understand its categories.
It’s most basic level can be broken into 5 categories:
Emotional Intimacy, Intellectual Intimacy, Physical Intimacy, Experiential Intimacy, and Spiritual Intimacy.
Intimacy in all of its forms are crucial, they’re requisite for human growth.
Let’s explore these in terms of how they apply to a romantic relationship:
Emotional intimacy: People’s biggest fear of intimacy is often the emotional aspect. When we talk Emotional Intimacy the most important thing to remember is, time. Of all the forms of intimacy, becoming emotionally intimate takes the most time, most vulnerability, and most communication. It requires that you and your partner make active and conscious choices to speak, confide, and trust in one another through “emotional bids” or “emotional calls.” People experience emotional intimacy when they feel comfortable sharing their feelings (good and bad) with each other. For example, you tell your spouse that you feel insecure about your body after gaining a few pounds.
Intellectual intimacy: When it comes to intellectual intimacy, people feel safe sharing their ideas and opinions, even when they don’t see eye to eye on the matter. For example, you and your spouse discuss your personal political opinions, even though you follow different parties.
Physical intimacy: Often couples get so locked into the false rhetoric that to build intimacy, you must participate in some form of sexual activity. Physical Intimacy can exist in holding hands, cuddling, and even a date night of dancing. In fact, a series of recent case studies found that dancing helped reduce jealousy in relationships, and helped clarify the line of intimacy against sexuality in new relationships. While Physical Intimacy is often seen as the highest form of intimate interaction, many also see it as the most reserved.
Experiential intimacy: People engage in experiential intimacy when they bond during day to day activities or work together to accomplish a mission. For example, you help your spouse to fix the flat tire on your car, handing her the tools she needs 🙂
Spirituality is highly personal, and while it may revolve around a religious theology, it might also be centered in growth habits or meditative practices. Since spirituality looks to better the sense of self on the whole, inviting your partner to share these ideals and practices promotes a sense of spiritual growth as a couple, regardless of foundational belief.. When a couple is spiritually intimate they tend to:
* Be More Accepting of Their Partner
* Reconcile, or “Meet In The Middle,” More Easily..
* Commit Time to Understanding Differences..
* Respect and Understand Values that Don’t Align with Their Own..
* Allow Their Partner to Engage in Their Comfort Zone.
Lastly there is a spiritual bonding when you pray for your spouse while making Love 😍 Yes, do not disengage but bless him/her… am not saying you should speak in tongues o 😁 or raise prayer point nah just pray silently in your heart.
It’s not just a day practice cause some people get distracted while making love and can’t recover the feeling so it something you practice bit by bit.
The 5 Types of Intimacy are good guideposts to checking into your relationship at any phase. Remember that relationships, intimacy, love, and growth are about effort, intentionality and time; something no amount of swiping left and right can offer you instantly.
Spiritual aspect of intimacy
Habits of Maintaining Intimacy
1. Engage in Physical Intimacy: this is one of the most important parts of the romantic relationship. Explore ways in which you and your partner can build trust through Physical Intimacy without relying on sex. Even hugs have been proven to build trust and even your immune system. Also try:
* Couples Workouts
* Couples Massages
Any act that gets you and partner close, and thinking on the same page is beneficial and of course… sex.
2. Practice Free and open Communication: this is a great way to get to know each other better, to support and understand yourself… it can also help to solve problems and avoid quarrels.
3. Find New ways to Connect with one another: You should always try to find something new about yourselves. Fine *new topics* to discuss, new places to go and new goals to achieve… and lastly new sex positions to practicalize, this helps to renew your connection and become closer.
4. Fix Any Fight You might have within the Day: You should intentionally not go to bed until you solve your problems at times this might almost seem impossible cause their are times you both will refuse to yield because of anger or pride. Discuss the problem and fix it, by discussing you will see reasons why there is an issue and settle it amicably and by doing this before going to bed, there is a sexual intimacy.
5. Give Complement to one another: You should intentionally try to increase each other’s self esteem by compliment yourselves. Express your love!
Build yourselves, by building; your spouse gets intimate with you because they realize you’ve got their interest at heart.
6. Share Joke together: Humor is one of those things which unite 2 loving hearts even more. Don’t be boring 🙄 just have fun together. Jokes and funny situations will make your life together bright.
Remember that sense of Humor is always attractive
7.Talk About Your Future; Everyone finds interest in a person that has a bright future, some people are afraid to talk about it 😳 they don’t want to frighten their partner and destroy their relationship. However the couples who ain’t afraid to discuss their future, are the strongest. They really love each other and want to stay together despite a possible obstacle.
With all the activities happening daily, how do you generate the time for INTIMACY?
Moon to Earth syndrome
How to Generate time for Intimacy
Intentional About Intimacy
1. Prioritize your relationship: There are a million of things to do, and yes we’ve got just 24hrs in a day but our “significant other is significant for a reason” so find time & priroritize your relationship. You can work on this by *scheduling a date night* this keeps your relationship interesting and fun it pushes you to make time for each other.
2. Find ways to Appreciate your partner: At most times it’s very easy to ignore all the wonderful things your partner does, but seeing his/her fault, is very easy to notice. Little things you do to appreciate your spouse builds attraction and connection… a way to do this is to write a love note (this depends on your partner) *different strokes, for different folks* tell him/her sweet words or what you desire about them or your sexual desire which can slack something up.. There are simple ways of showing appreciation.
3. Honour You: “ you can’t communicate what you want, if you don’t know what you want or need” so explore you I.e self awareness, this will give you self esteem and help you explain you.
Love your self first
Spice Up things on Bed and be Creative.
Discuss with Your Partner After Making Love
INTIMACY: Into Me You See, so you must know you for your partner to see you.
The more we can communicate, appreciate and enlighten our partners the more our intimate level increases. It also helps our sexual part of the relationship cause as long as both parties are feeling seen, heard, understood there won’t be an issue.
Do not forget, Intimacy is the story of two people giving 100% to each other, not combining their halves to make a whole. Don’t be afraid of your spirituality, invite your partner to experience your world and passions, engage in challenging conversations and games, be open and vulnerable – and above all, have fun. Whether you’re in the bedroom or not.
Lastly, Communication like we all know, is a key to a relationship because via communication feelings are expressed but how we communicate isn’t just about the words but how we express these words.
Checking each others phones
There are 3 component of communication: Words, Tonality & Facial/ Body language. These all work together, Words represent just 7% of your communication, Tonality, represent 23% of your communication & facial/ body language represent 70% of your communication.
Furthermore, understand your spouse LOVE LANGUAGE, so you can communicate properly in their love language.
Most couples out there are not friends
If your spouse keep referring to your past mistakes
If your partner do not appreciate a love Note
ABOUT THE AUTHOR.
Abigail Ajayi, is a Relationship therapist and counselor.
Her brand name: Relationship Talk with Abilight is a ministry orchestrated through the inspiration of God. She holds her program via Facebook platform and Instagram every Friday by 9pm (CET)
She runs an event management company (Lumière Events) and she is a co-founder to L’BELLE Paris Magazine.
She is married and blessed with adorable children.
RESOLVING MARITAL CONFLICTS
In life, some things are just normal and constant in relationship particularly marital relationship and there is no pretense about that.
Every marital relationship is bound to face its challenges, be it finance, career, sex, religion, culture and ideology generally.
No matter how good a man and a woman is before and in marriage, I am yet to see a relationship without any misunderstanding or quarrel as it were.
Every normal couple “must” experience misunderstanding in marriage at one point or the other that will eventually lead to either disagreement, argument or quarreling, even fighting each other in some cases, depending on the individuals involved, but the joy of marriage also depends on how mature, quick and the modality we are able to apply in resolving every marital issues, based on our level of wisdom though.
marital issues are common to all couples but the way we individually handle them is what actually differentiate “a happy marriage” from “a turbulent marriage”
marital issues are common to all couples but the way we individually handle them is what actually differentiate “a happy marriage” from “a turbulent marriage”
Just before we go into those possible reasons behind marital conflict, let’s take a look at some of the differences between a man and a woman that actually influences our individual behaviours and characters.
MALE AND FEMALE DIFFERENCES
Men are wired to behave as men and women to behave as women and that’s what makes relationship fulfilling. (Am sure no “man” wants to marry a “man” except for “those” that their sense of reasoning have been tampered with) God never intended it that way Genesis 1:27
There is a big difference between a man and a woman both in reasoning and operations, and God did that on purpose.
Men are adventurous in nature: Men love work activities compared to house chores, maybe because man was first introduced to his work before his wife. e.g (Adam in Genesis 2:15)
Women are emotional: Women often long for attention and affection from their husbands as part of their emotional need. No matter the compliment a woman gets from other people, it’s nothing compare to that of her husband especially on her appearance and of course her delicious meal.
Men are less sensitive to issues around them: Men pay less attention to intimacy in relationships, and things around them compared to women.
Women are more sensitive to issues and life generally: And this can lead to “anxiety” “unforgiveness” “insecurity” and even “depression”
Men talk-less in most cases because of their logical nature. (except otherwise)
Women are verbally empowered and can talk all day (there are exceptions though)
Men are naturally moved by what they “see”
Women are naturally moved by what they “hear”
Hello Sister, please note that a woman’s first private part is her “ear” and any man that understands this can deposit all kinds of nonsense into a woman’s ear in the name of “I love you” just to win her love. (Ladies be careful) except he is sincerely in love with you.
People pretend a lot but adequate preparation and spiritual sensitivity would go a long way in knowing who your partner truly is.
understanding your partner’s makeup is one of the easiest ways to living a life void of offenses in your relationship or marriage
There are lots and lots of reasons behind marital conflicts like I stated earlier in my Voice Note, and there are also ways, and different ways to solving them “all” there is no problems without solutions
Let’s see some of the reasons behind marital conflict
About 70% of the marriages that will emerged this weekend are already on their way to failure particularly when the couple involved are bereft of the basic principles that makes marriage work.
As a single person, the marriage you do not prepare for, will eventually drain you when you get in.
And so, one of the killers of marriage is selfishness.
We now live in a world where people are just after “their own” and nothing more. In marriage, there is nothing like “my own” in marriage apart from your clothes, shoes and jewelries that your partner cannot wear.
My money and your money will eventually become “our money” irrespective of who “wins the bread” _The bread is for the whole family_
2. FORCEFUL ACT
In marriage, there must be room for individual expressions on issues and diplomacy in settling issues. One of the worst torment we can give to our partners is to “force” our attitudes and beliefs on them and expects them to behave like us. “Even God won’t force Himself on us”
3. LACK OF RESPECT
As much as we all want to be respected as an individual, every woman need to also understand the place and purpose of “respect” to her husband, in fact to “all men”
For single ladies in particular, I’d advice you respect “all men”, you can’t tell who is capable of marrying you or recommending you to your own husband. It costs almost “nothing” to respect others.
PRE-marital and EXTRA-marital affairs are major killers of marital relationship.
A lot of single ladies have been heartbroken as a result of this. And a lot of marriages today are currently going through all manner of “healing process” that seems not working out as a result of this past issue, and this can cause a lot of crisis in a relationship or marriage.
The reasons God and the people He sent to us are always kicking against “premarital” sex and “extramarital” sex are basically not for their own benefit so to say, but for us to live healthier and sane.
It makes no sense indulging in a hidden or secret relationship when you can actually achieve more and be a blessing to others in an open and transparent relationship.
5. ETHNIC AND BELIEF SYSTEM
No body wants to be “forced” against their belief system particularly when they are fanatical about it_ it’s only an “unwise person” that will expect his or her partner to be what he or she expects them to be without paying attention to their ethical beliefs, school of thought and their philosophy about life generally.
Ignorance is more expensive than education.
Belief differs and must be given utmost attention in or before marriage to avoid misunderstandings that can also lead to heartbreak and divorce.
it’s easier to connect spiritual and to also reduce the level of marital conflict when you both share same belief.
In the light of this, it’s strongly advisable for couple and intending couple to feed from the same spiritual source to avoid “spiritual concoctions, misunderstanding and religion crisis” in marriage
I think, that also gives speeding answers to family prayers because of the power behind the prayer of agreement birthed by a “united faith” and not a “divided faith”
7. FINANCIAL STATUS
We now live in a world where “wealth and fame” is made available to all who strife to earn more, even women are becoming more industrious and financially buoyant than men. And if couples do not give adequate attention to how best the family finance should be handled “in” or “before” marriage, there is likely going to be a big issue later in that marriage.
Alright, so how then do we handle or manage conflicts in relationship or marriage.
HOW DO WE MANAGE CONFLICTS?
Well, as we all know, our needs are different, and so should the approach to each and every one of them.
We may not be able to approach all issues the same way but let’s take a look at some ways to managing some of those peculiar ones.
THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY OUT!
There is a big difference between “the cup is half empty” and “the cup is half full”, though it’s the same message passed in the end but in different context. The word “empty” is synonymous to negative while the word “full” sounds more positive.
And so we all want to be loved as humans.
And for that single reason, most people what to be addressed or praised with their good deeds than evil deeds.
One of the easiest and the first step in managing conflict or handling conflict especially in marriage is by “appreciating one anther’s effort towards the relationship or marriage” regardless of your partner’s weaknesses”
Our partners may not be perfect but they are far better in their own strength than the other persons we probably think are better. (We all have our flaws, we just need a good manager to make us whole)
We all have our flaws as humans but one of the best ways to getting a good result from our partners is by focusing on their strength while they work on their weakness.
Some person would need to work harder in making their relationship work, while some other singles will need to quit any unhealthy relationship.
Our future and destiny fulfillment is more important to God than marriage itself
Not all relationships are meant to end in marriage: if your relationship is not working whilst you are still dating or courting, it’s advisable you break the relationship before it breaks you down.
A failed relationship is far better than a failed marriage
We all know that the kind of people and surrounding we find ourselves most times will warrant people to talk about any relationship that is not working.
The truth of the matter is, people must talk about it, let them talk, it’s just for a while Your marital fulfillment is more important than their talk
As much as we repair turbulent marriages and prepare singles for better marital experience, we also believe that the “change” we all desired must come from everyone of us, and the earlier the better.
If you are already married and you fill like exchanging your partner with another “better” person, I can assure you that the land is “never” greener anywhere without an adequate commitment from a responsible individual.
Research had shown that 50% of every first marriage ends in divorce, and 70% of every second marriage ends in divorce.
So, the issue is an individual issue and not only your partner.
You are the first problem of your marriage.
It’s either you made the wrong choice for marriage or you have deliberately refused to take your responsibility as a wife or as a husband.
Don’t do relationship and go to hell. If your relationship is not working you have a choice to back off.
marriage is not by force but by choice
Backing off sometimes means resolving issues in some relationship.
A man who cannot value you before marriage would find it difficult to place premium value on you in marriage except you finally understand his “love language” and adapt to it.
Most people do their best to keep a relationship before marriage and if the best is not enough, it will take an external force the supernatural to make and sustain that Marriage.
Ask many that failed in their relationship or marriages, many of them were deeply in love than you think you are.
Money and sex has always be the 2 major demons responsible for breakage in marital relationship.
Please always remember, if he or she can cheat with you before marriage, the tendency of cheating on you in marriage is not far-fetched. It’s better to love genuinely.
It’s easier to handle or manage a relationship conflict when sex and money are not involved. Particularly, a premarital relationship.
When you hear a lady saying, “after all I have done for him” more often than not, it’s traceable to sex.
Likewise a man’s regret in relationship is traceable to money spent.
My prayer for you is that God will open your eyes of understanding to detect any wolf that is showing up in human flesh in the name of Jesus. Amen!
And any man or woman that is going to tear your marriage of relationship apart is “far” from you this moment and beyond in Jesus name. Amen!
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Lawrence Atsegamhe is a seasoned Relationship Coach that believes every relationship can be better if only we can apply the right principles to them. He is the privileged president of Heart Bliss International. It’s a fast growing ministry through which the lives of thousands of singles and married are being transformed through his articles, quotes, books, seminars, teachings and counsels on relationship matters.
He has also been featured severally on one of the most listened radio stations in Nigeria, 95.1 WAZOBIA FM, 98.9 KISS FM and also on SUPERSCREEN TV on relationship matters. He is the author of several books which include:
1. Love expression
2. Process of dating
3. How to be a better wife
4. How to be a better husband
5. Just before you say “I DO”.
6. Understanding God’s will for marriage
7. When and how to break unhealthy relationship and many others.
He is happily married to his friend, Gloria Lawrence Atsegamhe and they both reside in Lagos Nigeria.
For more info: http://www.talktokawrence.com
RESOLVING CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE
Our working definition of conflict is simply NOT BEING IN AGREEMENT
Not being in agreement in any matter/issue/subject
The Conflict continum
This shows the points at which “not being in agreement” may occur
Illustration: let’s start with the what. Which is the subject matter.
What: Mama(husband’s mother) wants to come and stay with us.
Why: why should mama come to stay with us.
When : when should mama come.
How: what means should mama come by
Where: where will mama be (guest house or children room) when she comes.
At any of these stages conflict may begin
Why is this important? When you can identify the point the conflict starts, you will know how to navigate to the solution
Let me state quickly, that there is no single solution that solves all conflict cases in marriage.
The cause and nature of the conflict determines the solution to be proffered.
However, there are principles that serve as guide while the proper solution is sort.
It is this principle we want to look at now.
Principle 1. Seek dialogue. Shouting is not same as talking. Work towards ensuring both parties are ready and willing to listen to one another.
Principle 2. Look at the big picture. In marriage the big picture is the peace and growth of the family. The wellbeing of the children.
Principle 3. Deliberately seek peace. Some conflict are so severe that this is difficult. However, following this principle will help in a great way in resolving any conflict.
Principle 4. Do not take a hard stance. Be willing to shit grown for the sake of the union even when not convenient.
Principle 5. Relate as equals. Don’t you know I am the man and the head of the family won’t help matters. Neither, will “I earn more in this house , so you should help with house chores, will lead to break down of discussion.
We have conflict caused by the following.
1. Conflict of Opinion. This refers to conflicts caused because both partners hold different opinion about the subject matter.
2. Conflict of perspective: this refers to conflict caused by how both partners see things.
Let me explain the difference with a NV.
3. Conflict of action: conflict caused as a result of “singular unconnected” act.
4. Conflict of habit: conflict caused by an unacceptable and unchangeable behavior.
Let me also distinguish both with another voice note.
Like I said at the start, there is no single solution that solves all conflict.
I will be relating the solution to the causes mentioned above.
Solution to conflict of opinion: try to understand what your partner is saying. Pay attention. Give listening ears. Listen to understand not to respond.
Solution to conflict of perspectives: Make every effort to solve this problem before the conflict arises..
Like Mr Lawrence said yesterday, our family, society et al, shapes our mind set.
One way to go about solving conflicts caused by this is to accept your partners position and find a good time to explain later.
Solution to conflict of habit: if it is something you can fix on his behalf, do it. like the example I gave in the NV, just learn to pick the clothes up
Solution to conflict of action: express your dissatisfaction gently and lovingly.
I will make this a Voice Note to save time.
Approaches to take in solving a conflicts
Conflict when rightly approached and solved strengthen the fabrics of the union. And when not done rightly weakens and can destroy the union..
I am Reverend Chuks Madu. A priest of the Church of Nigeria Anglican Communion in the Diocese of Benin, Nigeria. Vicar of St Marks Anglican Church Benin. A Divorce Coach
SEX IN MARRIAGE.
We will be discussing sex in marriage but permit me to start from outside marriage first. me i don’t deceive myself o knowing that most people start sex before marriage claiming they have to test what they want to buy but i ask myself how come you taste garri in the market before you buy but never in a supermarket?
So we will be looking at SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
2) Stages of marriage and sex that go with it
3) Knowing your body/ power house
4) 10 must have sex as a married couple( not before marriage o)
5) Oral sex( blowjob and cunnilingus
6) Sexual compatibility
Please permit me to use voice note because chatting won’t work for sex matter o… I can’t be typing penis, prick or dick. Its better pronounced just as it feels in the mouth or body
Sex before marriage
Stages in Marriage
knowing your Body
10 types of Must have sex
10 types of sex you must have
MEET THE SPEAKER.
Hannah Jonathan popuarly known as soulspice the SEXGODESS is a certified life and sex coach, an emotional intelligence and neuro linguistics practitioner.She host the only sex show in nigeria on dstv 189 every Tuesdays at 10pm.
soulspice who has coached thousands of couples all over the world has made a bold step to change the face of sex especially in Africa,she also on her way to being the first sexpert/ sexologist in nigeria at drrachaelinstitute in the united states.she runs @sextalkwithsoulspice page on Instagram, shes a wife and mum of two spicykids. Soulspice believes we all can have great sex only and when we give ourself up for the pleasure and act of sex.
NURTURING RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE
Nurturing means ‘care for and encourage the growth or development of’.
This means caring for your relationship, doing things that bring the growth and development of the relationship.
Nurturing requires effort, and you will only invest effort into a venture that you value, or respect, or believe in.
Question: What do you believe about your relationship? Do you believe in its longevity? Do you believe the relationship is there to make you happy? Do you believe what you put in is what you get? Do you believe as you lay your bed, is how you will lie on it?
There are so many questions you can ask yourself to determine if the relationship is worth nurturing or not.
Nurturing requires time and effort.
If you are not married, is that your relationship worth nurturing? Is it worth the effort or you are only sowing on dry grounds?
Do you need to pull the plug on the relationship? Is it worth all this stress?
If you are married, then your relationship is worth nurturing.
Let’s look at the illustration of a farmer.
You surveyed a piece or land and you decided to buy it. Then the responsibility to cultivate the land and make it produce for your lies with you.
So, if you are married, the responsibility to make the relationship produce peace, love, joy etc lies on you.
Good marriages don’t just happen. It requires hard work. But it is worth it at the end of the day.
Let’s use the building analogy to describe marriage.
You found each other, you decided to build a house.
The wedding is a more glamorous event, so you spend a lot of effort and resources to make the outside of the house beautiful. Your may have a good foundation because you guys dated, and you knew each other well. You put up your structure and focus so much on what will be seen, what you will post on social media. With time, the house will be needing repair and maintenance, you cannot just be painting the house when the roof is leaking or when there is crack on the wall.
Nurturing the relationship is where you do the repair works and the general maintenance.
You can’t say because I have gotten married, then the work is done, let me move unto another task on my to do list. You have to take care of the house you have built, otherwise it will collapse.
So what does it take to nurture your relationship?
I believe there are 3 major factors responsible for marital success
1. Be the right person: nurture you. Be the best version of you. Watch your behaviors. What are the habits you have that is hurting the relationship? Your anger, selfishness, jealousy, laziness, etc.
Stop focusing on your partners weaknesses, can you take a good look at YOU.
2. Have the right knowledge: To nurture your relationship, you need learn relationship principles eg. Conflict resolution skills. Are you a professional malice keeper? Or you have anointing for fighting? Have you learnt communication principles?
Take action: what practical steps are you taking to nurture your relationship?
What do you do as a contribution or investment to the success of the relationship?
What are you doing together as a couple? Do you go on regular dates?
Do you pray together? Do you grow together?
Why do people not pay attention to or nurture their relationships?
1. See finish…we take each other for granted
2. We get busy with life…career, ministry, raising kids etc
3. marriage is assumed to be an event, once done, it is done
4. unresolved hurt….you give up because you have done so much already and it looks like you are on your own, so why bother
5. ignorance about what it takes to make a marriage work
6. thinking that it is the responsibility of your partner to nurture the relationship
To nurture your relationship, you need to pay attention to these principles
When you don’t nurture your relationship?
-it withers, the beautiful relationship you once had becomes a shadow of itself. No more fun, marriage becomes a chore, a burden
– It breeds resentment: you feel stranded. You would wish to leave but you can’t become of religious convictions or financial constrains or societal judgment. You stay there and you are unhappy.
-it dies: it ends in divorce or separation.
when you don’t maintain your car, or your house, you definitely will enjoy the them.
So my admonition is that you invest all the time, resources and effort required to nurture your marriage and build a home where you will enjoy peace and harmony.
MEET THE AUTHOR
I am a marriage coach who partners with those who want to take their relationship from hurting to thriving.
When your relationship has gone stale or causing you pain and you are at your wit’s end, I work
with you to resolve conflict, improve communication, understand each other and deepen intimacy.
After helping singles and couples for over two decades in designing their path to happily ever after, I know what it takes to have a thriving and peaceful relationship. I believe that by learning to do
relationship the right way, you can enjoy true bliss and happiness.
I run and oversee a marriage counseling outfit, Marriage Matters and Thrive Relationship Coaching is a subsidiary.
I am a trained Life Coach, Infidelity Recovery Coach and certified Christian Counselor. A
member of the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI) and the International Coach Federation (ICF).
Outside of my passion for coaching and supporting singles and married, I am a personal growth enthusiast, an avid learner, and teacher. I love helping people find purpose and maximize their potential.
I am happily married for over 20 years and blessed with two sons.
MANAGING FINANCE IN MARRIAGE
Managing Finance (Money) as a single person when you are not married is totally different from Managing Finance (Money) when you are married.
What do I mean??
The way you spend Money (Ego) when you were In a Relationship is totally going to be different from the way you will spend money (Cash/owo/Ego/Egho) when you are married.
Write that down.
According to a study by SunTrust.com , Money issues are responsible for 22% of all divorces in the world making it the third leading cause of divorce world wide a Recent research done by the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysis 2019.
Money can be one of the most difficult topics for couples. But no matter how uncomfortable it feels, the two most important words to remember about marriage and money are:
Just as honesty is crucial to the success of any relationship, honesty is essential in any discussion about money. Lying about finances to a spouse damages trust and can ultimately lead to divorce. In an effort to manage finance effectively in marriage and reduce personal disagreements about money or make more accountable financial choices (individually and together), in this session, I am going to teach you what you should NEVER ignore when discussing financial matters before you marry and after you are married.
DISCUSS YOUR METHODS OF SAVING
How do you want your money saved as a couple is on terrible bridge you must both cross. Discussing this should go as follows;
🌈Saving into Individual accounts or
🌈Saving into Joint account or
🌈Saving into Joint account while we both have our individual account.
🌹 Managing Money as a Couple with Separate Accounts:
When couples move in together, it is likely that there will be at least some financial problem, not to mention debts that may be brought into the relationship. A separate accounting system can help clarify issues surrounding income disparities, debts, and potential spender-versus-saver personality conflicts. Despite the autonomy, separate accounts actually means more communication about who will be responsible for paying what.
• Advantages: You are each responsible for your own spending habits and for paying off any debts you brought into the marriage. Provided you are both happy with how you’ve agreed to split the shared bills, this method of money management is the most “fair,” and you may be less likely to argue over your spouse’s spending habits.
• Disadvantages: Keeping track of who owes whom what is a lot of work each month. This method of financial management gets more difficult if children enter into the mix, or if one of you wants to change careers or go back to school. If you are both saving for retirement or goals based on your own incomes, you may not be optimizing your investments.
With Both Separate and Joint Accounts
Having both separate and joint accounts can be complicated, but it also may be the best solution for some couples. The idea behind this method is that all income goes into a joint account or accounts, and all savings, debt, and retirement are managed jointly. In addition, each individual has a private checking account into which a set amount is transferred each month.
This “personal fund” can be spent on any wants or needs they have that aren’t a joint expense or on gifts for their spouse. This way your spouse can never judge you for buying #50, 000 shoes or top-of-the-line headphones, as long as
you pay for them out of your own account. To avoid conflict, the amount that goes into the personal accounts each month needs to be discussed and agreed upon.
•Advantages : You have the ease of tracking that you get with joint accounts, and you don’t have to deal with income disparities while paying the bills. You each have the freedom to buy what you want without discussing it with your partner, but you also are working together toward joint goals and retirement.
Disadvantages: This method is simple to track, but it requires opening and managing a number of bank accounts. Having an amount deposited into your personal account each month may feel like an allowance, which might rub some people the wrong way. Couples need to talk about household logistics or expenses who pays which bill, how you will reimburse each other, and how you will work toward shared goals. Plan to sit down and discuss these logistics to make sure you both understand and agree on the plan and that all your bases are covered. Once it’s decided who will pay which bills, automate the payments, so you’re never late and your spouse never has to worry. And continue to discuss your finances on a regular basis. In money matters, clarity is paramount. Newlyweds should also discuss retirement and long-term goals, such as
buying a house or taking a dream vacation.
Make sure you’re both contributing to retirement accounts and set up an automated system to facilitate saving for those long-range goals now Personal disagreements over financial decision making are among the main reasons that married couples end up in divorce.
🌹Set Financial Priorities Together:
Communication is key to any healthy relationship, and discussing financial decisions is no exception. Communicating about finances is challenging because the priorities of personal finance are as unique as the individuals themselves, and any savings strategy must consider the needs and aspirations of both partners in order to be successful. It’s important that both partners know where a couple stands financially in order to establish common financial goals.
🌹Manage Debt as a Couple
Although in the eyes of the law, any debt acquired before marriage will remain in the name of the person who took on the debt, working as a couple towards a debt free life will benefit both partners. Being dishonest about personal spending habits or keeping hidden debts is referred to as *“financial infidelity”* and inevitably destroys the trust that holds a couple together.
🌹If You Must Borrow, You Both Must Sit And Discuss It How You Are Going To Pay Back
Data has shows debt is one of the primary threats to the happiness and financial security of couples of all ages, and thus minimizing debt obligations is a reliable way to positively impact personal relationships and personal finances.
🌹 *Financial frugality pattern must be discussed
Couples that are monthly earners are to decide how many percent % of their income goes into Emergency savings account.
This is where a budget becomes crucial; in order to save at least 10% of monthly income for future use, it’s necessary to consciously and collectively make small adjustments and sacrifices every month. After paying bills that cannot wait (such as power, gas, children
school fees, house rent, food and clothing), couples should contribute to an emergency fund, while leaving an additional 5% for retirement.
🌹 Work as a Team
To properly work as a team, you must have the same goals in mind. Work together to come up with and find ways to accomplished those goals. Always encourage each other and build each other up. Be aware of your own weaknesses and strengths. Synergy must be imbibe to accomplished a task
There is no right way to manage your finances as a new couple, but with communication, trust, and a bit of planning, you and your spouse can have a marriage that’s free of conflicts about money. If you’re struggling to come up with a joint plan that sits well with you both, seek the professional advice of a financial counselor.
ABOUT OSAGIE MERRY
Osagie Merry is a public speaker, Writer, orator of good living, an activist, a Blogger and lover of Godliness with a uniqueness compere. Certified in BLS, ACLS, PALS and FIRST AIDER.
He is a Business Mogul, a Serial Nursepreneur, a Concierge Consultant in private health practice.
He is the Medical Director of Mundësi Hospital Limited and the Chief Executive Officer of Mundësi Group registered under the Corporate Affairs Commission 2017. Sequel to his qualification as a Registered Nurse at the University of Benin Teaching Hospital School of Nursing, he acquired a Diploma in Theology at the Full Gospel bible Institute in Edo State.
He equally attended the LORD LUIS school of intelligence, Garki, Abuja, where he was certified a RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. He’s the founder of Relationship Marriage and Counseling Clinic.
His penchant and enthusiasm for marital and Relationship Education is laced with divinity support and experimental backup.
The profound Half Human Half Oracle is a specialist in Relationship matters with a call to resolve Marital Misunderstanding.
He is an ambitious young man with a terrific dogged devotion and graced with millennium brand ideas for this dispensation and age.
Osagie Merry is the founder of THE C.E.O NURSES NETWORK, a medium of advocacy for Nigerian Nurses to embrace Entrepreneur. He has mentored over two thousand Registered Nurses as well as other unaccountable allied medical professionals on the path of private health care establishment with about 40 Nurses and doctors who now have their Private Health Facilities. Indeed it’s an achievement worth commending.
Thank you for taking out time to read this article and we do hope you where bless?
Do you have any question? please drop it at the comment session and you will get a response.
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